30 YEARS TO LEARN

15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 30 YEARS TO LEARN


BT DAVE BARRY
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that Moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. > A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY :

WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.

WHAT A GREAT DAY!

WELL TODAY WAS JUST GREAT. I COULD HAVE KILLED A COUPLE HUNDRED PEOPLE AT WORK AND I GOT PUT IN JAIL. THANKFULLY THEY HAVE NO RELATION.

I USUALLY DON'T THINK THAT MY JOB COULD KILL PEOPLE BUT TODAY WAS WHEN THE LIGHT CAME ON. I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE SENARIO FOR PRIVACY SAKE, BUT WILL LET YOU KNOW ALL WAS OK IN THE END. NOTHING BROKE OF FELL DOWN IT IS JUST SCARY TO THINK THAT YOU HAVE THAT TYPE OF RESPONCIBILITY.

ALSO THIS DAY I WENT TO JAIL. "AND FOR WHAT YOU MIGHT ASK!" ESENTIALLY IT BOILS DONE TO NOT HAVING A FRONT LICENSE PLATE. OVER TWO YEARS AGO IN HUFFMAN, TX I GOT STOPPED FOR NOT HAVING A FRONT LICENSE PLATE...(BULLSHIT LAW IF I EVER HEARD OF ONE). SO BEING THE REBEL WITH OUT A CAUSE, THAT I AM, DECIDED NOT TO PAY IT. WHY SHOULD I...HUFFMAN IS WAY-THE-HELL OUT FROM WHERE I LIVE. (NOT FAR ENOUGH I GUESS)

I WAS HEADING TO MY MONDAY NIGHT SOFTBALL GAME WHEN A COP GOING THE OTHER WAY SPUN AROUND AND PULLED BESIDE ME IN THE LEFT TURN LANE AND LOOKED OVER IN MY DIRECTION. I THOUGHT, "OH CRAP, HE IS GOING TO GIVE A TICKET FOR THIS DAMN CAR REGISTRATION BEING OUT." SURE ENOUGH I WAS RIGHT.

HE PULLED ME OVER I GAVE HIM MY LIC. AND INS., AS USUALLY, AND WAS THE GENUINELY NICE PERSON THAT I AM. I WAITED AND WAITED AND WAITED EVENTUALLY ANOTHER COP SHOWED UP. I THOUGHT, "GUESS THESE GUYS ARE JUST BORED OR SOMETHING." THEN THE SECOND COP PULLED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, BOXING ME IN. AS HE WALKED UP TO THE CAR I ASKED WHAT THE DEAL WAS. HE SAID THAT I HAD A WARRENT OUT FOR MY ARREST. I HAD A GOOD IDEA THAT IT WAS THE TICKET IN HUFFMAN. SURE ENOUGH, THE FIRST COP CAME UP TO MY CAR AND TOLD ME TO STEP OUT CAUSE HE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE ME IN. WHAT LOAD OF CRAP.

WELL IT ENDED UP COSTING ME/MY WIFE ABOUT $250 FOR THE OUTSTANDING TICKET, $150 TO GET MY CAR OUT OF TOW, AND $$ MORE FOR THE NEXT TICKET FOR NO REGISTRATION. PLUS ABOUT 2 HOURS HANGING AT THE BIG HOUSE (HARDLY BIG). CRAP.

AND YOU REALLY KNOW IF YOU'RE A RED NECK IF YOU GO OUT TO EAT AFTER GETTING YOUR HUSBAND OUT OF JAIL...SO WE DID.

NOW I AM GOING TO SEARCH THE WEB FOR MY MUG SHOT TO SEND TO ALL MY FRIENDS

WEB SITE OF THE DAY
REALULTIMATEPOWER.NET -IF YOU GET PUMPED UP ABOUT NINJA'S THIS SITE IS FOR U. WHAT A RIOT. I WAS READING SOME OF THIS STUFF ONE NIGHT AND I WAS CRYING CAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. THANKS TO MY BRO FOR TURNING ME ON TO THIS ONE.

500 WORDS (OF CRAP)

BLOG OF THE DAY:
HERE IS WHERE LOOKS CAN BE DECIVING. THIS SITE LOOKS AT FIRST LIKE IT MIGHT HAVE SOME KOOL STUFF ON IT...BUT WAIT IT'S FULL OF GARBAGE. FORGET ABOUT MAKING OUT WITH YOU, LETS GET ON WITH THE BORAPHYL.
500 WORDS